...wow. Okay so maybe more than just one word. The last three and half months have flown by!! I feel like I just found out I was pregnant and now our little bundle is here. Elias has been quite an adjustment. Two nights ago I was sitting down to rock Elias when I noticed him looking around his room at all his stuff. I got a little emotional and asked him if he likes all the things his daddy and I picked out for him. He seemed to be quite content. Just a few months ago we were picking out bedding, strollers, toys, clothes, ect. All for a little boy we hadn't even met yet and somehow here he is. Then last night as I'm rocking my sweet, peaceful baby I sat watching him drift to sleep and an overwhelming guilt came over me for all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and even mad . For those of you who may not know he's being treated for acid reflux and continues to have crying/screaming fits 5 out of 7 nights a week. I'm told this is "normal" and that millions of other parents deal with the same thing. But he seems in so much pain and these fits can go on for hours. We've met with his Doctor a number of times seeking relief for him. We've had a swallow study, ultrasound and x-ray and still can find nothing causing his pain. We're now waiting for a date with a GI specialist. From day one our little boy has been the source of a ton of emotions I never thought/planned to experience. His life started in the NICU with a Momma yearning to bond with a new baby. After a long, hard labor I didn't even get to meet him until after several Doctor's examined him and then I got to only hold him for an hour or so before he was taken to the NICU. This may not sound much different than your own experiences or the experiences of others you know. But what no body told me about was the struggles of a new mom. That you may not fall head over heals at first. Don't get me wrong I love Elias and can't imagine not having him. But after more than three months of endless crying and pain I've never felt more drained in my life. I'm sure I wouldn't have listened if people told me how hard it is to be a parent. It's weird though, when people ask how being a parent is and how the baby is I know you're supposed to say everything is great, which I usually do, but think to myself 'what's so great about night feeds, being the only source of food for your baby, walking circles around the house, not spending time with my husband, spending my free time doing mounds of laundry, or changing three outfits a day?' The worst part is that I feel so guilty for feeling that way. And nobody prepares you for that feeling. So when I hold my peaceful baby tonight so what if I hold him a longer than I need to because what I realized last night is that I'm living my dream. Adam and I couldn't wait to have kids and before we even blinked the time is hear. Just a few months ago our baby was created from the side of God. He was designed for Adam and I. So everyday I will remind myself, even in the midst of screaming, that Elias needs me and I need him!
