Best Sick Day Ever

Elias had is 6 mon well check yesterday.  He weights almost 20lbs and is almost 28in long.  His growing has finally slowed down a little now that he is busting the snaps on his 6-9 mon clothes.  The doctor said he looked great!  He got four shots and an oral vaccination.  This morning he had a little bit of a fever so we are getting to enjoy a very snugly not so sick, sick day at home. Our first official sick day.  It's been one of the most wonderful sick days I've ever had.   Elias took a 2 hour nap this morning and I was able to catch up on a few things.  The best part though is that right after we finished reading The Polar Express is started snowing.  We went outside and let snowflakes fall on our heads.  He loved it.  I love my sweet little boy and love sick days with cuddly babies wrapped in blankets!

Visit with Santa

Some good friends of ours invited us to a Cookies with Clause event this past weekend.  It was a Toys for Tots sponsored event.  Elias decided to take one of his toys from under the Christmas tree.  We had bought him a metal pot and pan set but decided we would give it to another child that needed it more.  Besides Elias is still a little to young to cook.  He really enjoyed donating his toy and sitting on Santa's lap.  His picture was even in the newspaper.

Trust

There are many things in life we can't control.  In fact, most things in life we can't control.  We often trust the things we can control and question the things we cannot. But usually when we give up control and TRUST that God will take care of us, things turn out not only better, but the way He intended.  So why is it so hard to give up control?

The last 6 months have changed my life dramatically.  One of the biggest ways is that having a child has depend my faith in a way I never imagined.  When you experience the wonder of one tiny cell growing within your womb and becoming a tiny human it leaves a mark deep in a mother's heart.  A mother has a bond with her baby that is unique to their relationship.  As a baby grows within you, it is you.  You breath, eat, sleep, use the bathroom for your baby.  Just as God and His Son are one.  You move together, think alike, yet you're two separate people. Just like God and His Son.

Another way it has changed my life is that I've had to give up control and TRUST.  Trust that when I leave my baby with someone else he will be cared for.  When I leave this tiny thing I grew for 9 months and then spent countless hours feeding, rocking, holding, smelling, cuddling with someone else I have to have trust.  We have now had 5 different people care for Elias in the last three months.  We are finally settling into long term care for him and took him to a new daycare last week.  You would think after leaving him with 4 different people before this it would get easier.  Well it didn't.  When I dropped him off Tuesday morning if felt like a body part was being ripped off.  To leave my precious baby with someone I don't know is having complete TRUST.   I love my little boy more than I have ever loved anything.  I'm not even sure I comprehend the love I have for him.  How much more does God our Father love us? 

Just another day...

1:30am Baby wakes up crying for pacie. Shuffle into nursery, find pacie in dark, find babies mouth in dark, baby stops crying.
3:00am Baby wakes up again for pacie
3:30am Again?
3:35am Why did we give him a pacie? I pretend I'm asleeping and hope Adam will get the dumb pacie. Instead Adam brings him in to nurse. I don't want to nurse him. He can sleep through the night. We'll have to talk about this in the morning.
7:00am Baby wakes up to nurse and start the day. We head down stairs to feed the dogs (we're dog sitting this weekend). Elias plays in his bouncy seat while I make a cup of coffee. Elias, though buckled, almost comes out of bouncy head first. He's learning to sit and thought he would practice by trying to eat his feet. Move him to a blanket on the floor. Feed him his cereal mixed with prunes (to keep him regular). We sit on the sofa in front of the fire for a while just talking and cuddling. He gets sleepy so I wrap him in my robe. He spits up prunes and cereal on my shirt. Oh well. He snuggles down into my robe with his head tucked into my neck. I love baby breath on my neck. I love this feeling of my baby boy. With fire going, he falls asleep at 8:00am, snug as a bug in a rug. Just another day in paradise!

Video's!!!!!!

Here's Goliath in the bouncer. He friggin' loves this thing (Yes, this is Adam posting). This was taken before Halloween I think...



And a video of him laughing... this was taken about 10 minutes ago. He just kept doing it, so I figured I better get it on video, and he kept on going. He's got such a cute laugh. Even if you hate babies you have to admit that's a cute laugh!

Family of 3

 It's a strange feeling to realize that you have not thought about your baby for the past 10 seconds.  This has happened to me twice in the last 5 months. Once was this past weekend at my parents house.  My Aunt and Uncle from Oregon are on the East Coast so we all met at my parents for a long weekend.  I was sitting on the couch and Elias was in the other room with my mom when it hit me, I hadn't thought about him for a few seconds.  Completely trusting to my core that he was okay.  Letting myself, for the briefest of moments, relax.  When I mentioned it to Adam he commented "oh, I forget about him all the time".  As a mother I have never forgotten about my baby.  With the exception of those few seconds, I think about him every minute of every day.  Sure I think about work or dinner or the conversation I'm having but my thoughts always turn back to my baby boy.  So it occurred to me that it's official, we're a family of three.  I've finally settled into my new role and the great responsibility of being a mommy.  I've come to terms with the fact that my mind will never be mine again.  Swirling around in my brain are thoughts of meal times, when the last diaper was changed, what he's doing when I'm at work, if I fed him the right thing, left enough milk, or if he needs me.  I love Elias more deeply than I've ever loved anything.  Finding your soul mate is an incredible love but the love you have for something that you created is beyond what words can describe.  So how is it that God gave up his only Son, from His own being, to become like us?

Peas

Elias had his 4 month well check yesterday. He weighs 17lbs 12oz and is 26.5 inces.  He's growing well!!  We can start solid foods and last night he had peas for the first time.  He acctually liked them!  He's been such a sweet baby this week.  It's so fun to watch him discover his world.  His favorite toys right now are his hands and our hands.  This morning when I was feeding him he got distracted when his hand caught his eye.  He was so amazed with this thing attached to him.

Giggles

I've always thought baby giggles were the best thing ever invented.  Working with kids I get to hear lots of baby giggles and I always want to bottle them up for when I need to be reminded of the simpler things in life.  But nothing compares to the sound of your own baby's giggle!  The thought of it is enough to warm my heart.  Elias has just figured out how to laugh and it is the cutest thing I've ever heard!  Daddy's pretty good at getting the giggles going but Mommy usually gets the face in the pumpkins...

Colic??

Elias had his appointment this past Friday at Johns Hopkins.  The Doctor we met with was not surprised by the behaviors Elias has been displaying.  He is growing well which rules out most problems related to any GI issues.  Which basically points us to two likely reasons for Elias's discomfort.  One being reflux and the other being just plain old colic.  If reflux were the issue we would likely see more consistent spells, like after every feeding for example.  The randomness of the episodes is more characteristic of colic.  We did make some medicine changes though to optimize what he is taking.  Basically, we have a high needs baby who likes to scream his head off.  Against popular opinion, or at least what I thought, colic doesn't have to happen at the same time everyday and can be associated with screaming as if the baby is in pain though there is nothing medically wrong. 





So I'm learning a lesson...things are not always as they seem.  Braxton Hicks can be just as intense and close together as real contractions (if you don't know, I had Braxton Hicks for about 15hrs that were just as painful as real contractions).  And a baby seemingly in pain can be perfectly healthy.  I'm relieved that there is nothing 'wrong' with Elias!  But I never thought my baby would be one of' 'those' babies.  Or that if I did have one of those babies that I would know what to do.  We have some good friends who are expecting their first baby and they often ask advice or questions about baby gear and how to handle a baby.  I always say to them that I believe God gave us a high needs baby because he knew we could handle it.  He never gives us more that we can handle. In the fist chapter of James it says "You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows it's true colors".  God knows that these difficult months will be over soon and that if we turn to Him and lean on each other we will stand stronger when we get to the other side.  It's been taxing on us emotionally, physically, and relationally. One day Elias will be full of personality, curious, and lively.  Our job as his parents is to train and guide him to be filled with the personality, curiosity, and life of our Creator.  Our precious baby boy's name means 'speaker for God'.  All the work that I imagine God having for him is nothing compared to the work God has in store for him.  His dreams for Elias are so much more that I can imagine and I'm so thankful that God is allowing me and Adam to be a part of that dream.

So please pray for Adam and I as we continue our journey as parents.  I think we have our work cut out for us...

4 months old

I can hardly believe it's true.  Four months already.  My thoughts and feelings are jumbled up and all over the place tonight.  My little boy seems to have doubled in sized in the last couple of weeks.  Just when I think he can't get much bigger I'm stretching his onsies to fit him just one more time.  Elias giggled for the first time this weekend at his daddy.  What a wonderful sound!  He's also exploring his voice and becoming quite curious about the world.  We enjoyed a visit with Adam's parents this past weekend.  They were staying in Ocean City for a car show.  We'll get to see my parents on Friday when we go to Johns Hopkins for an appointment for Elias.  He continues to have spells of pain and had a pretty bad one this past Sunday. After feeding him we started our 30 min ride back home.  He started frantically screaming.  I climbed in the back seat to offer some comfort but it didn't help.  After about 10  minutes Elias was covered in sweat and I was broken down.  It's not easy to watch your baby in pain and not have any comfort to offer.  Hopefully, we will get some direction on Friday.

The demands of being a working mom continue to overwhelm me.  Balancing work, baby, cleaning, laundry, groceries, doctors appointments and visiting family and friends has left me giving up things of less priority.  I used to cherish my time at the gym, going four times a week.  Now I dread my twice a week visits. I've turned down many leisure activities attempting to simplify my life the best I can.  Or at least put things aside that can wait until my baby has grown up. Even though Elias requires a lot of attention, when I'm away from him he's all I think about.  I can't wait to get home to his precious face.

It's definitely a two person job to be a parent. I'm so thankful for Adam and the daddy that he is.  Elias loves all his funny voices and playful attitude.  He is what I am not and I'm glad to have such a amazing partner for this journey! 

16 weeks old

Elias is growing so fast.  He is rolling over now, been eating cereal for a month and is getting very curious about the world around him.  His Aunt Kelli has been keeping him the days he's not at daycare with Miss Hailey.  He loves both of them and smiles when he hears their voices.  Some of the kids at Miss Hailey's have a nickname for him.  It started out as baby Goliath and has now turned into baby Golias.  We are waiting for a date from the Doctor to meet with a GI specialist and to have a CAT scan to rule out any serious issues that may be causing his screaming episodes.  They seem to be happening less often so we're hopeful that he is outgrowing whatever it is.  I've been busy making and freezing baby food in preparation for his next stage.  I'm not sure who's idea it was to make baby food but so far it hasn't been to bad.  I've done several kinds of squash, green beans, peas, spinach, sweet potatoes, and carrots.  Adam's parents are coming to a car show at the beach next weekend and we're looking forward to a visit with my parents when my Aunt Carla and Uncle Tom come from Oregon. 

A word about motherhood...

...wow.  Okay so maybe more than just one word.  The last three and half months have flown by!!  I feel like I just found out I was pregnant and now our little bundle is here.  Elias has been quite an adjustment.  Two nights ago I was sitting down to rock Elias when I noticed him looking around his room at all his stuff.  I got a little emotional and asked him if he likes all the things his daddy and I picked out for him.  He seemed to be quite content.  Just a few months ago we were picking out bedding, strollers, toys, clothes, ect. All for a little boy we hadn't even met yet and somehow here he is.  Then last night as I'm rocking my sweet, peaceful baby I sat watching him drift to sleep and an overwhelming guilt came over me for all the times I've gotten frustrated with him and even mad .  For those of you who may not know he's being treated for acid reflux and continues to have crying/screaming fits 5 out of 7 nights a week.  I'm told this is "normal" and that millions of other parents deal with the same thing.  But he seems in so much pain and these fits can go on for hours.  We've met with his Doctor a number of times seeking relief for him.  We've had a swallow study, ultrasound and x-ray and still can find nothing causing his pain.  We're now waiting for a date with a GI specialist.  From day one our little boy has been the source of a ton of emotions I never thought/planned to experience.  His life started in the NICU with a Momma yearning to bond with a new baby.  After a long, hard labor I didn't even get to meet him until after several Doctor's examined him and then I got to only hold him for an hour or so before he was taken to the NICU.  This may not sound much different than your own experiences or the experiences of others you know.  But what no body told me about was the struggles of a new mom.  That you may not fall head over heals at first.  Don't get me wrong I love Elias and can't imagine not having him.  But after more than three months of endless crying and pain I've never felt more drained in my life.  I'm sure I wouldn't have listened if people told me how hard it is to be a parent.  It's weird though, when people ask how being a parent is and how the baby is  I know you're supposed to say everything is great, which I usually do, but think to myself 'what's so great about night feeds, being the only source of food for your baby, walking circles around the house, not spending time with my husband, spending my free time doing mounds of laundry, or changing three outfits a day?'  The worst part is that I feel so guilty for feeling that way.  And nobody prepares you for that feeling.  So when I hold my peaceful baby tonight so what if I hold him a longer than I need to because what I realized last night is that I'm living my dream.  Adam and I couldn't wait to have kids and before we even blinked the time is hear.  Just a few months ago our baby was created from the side of God.  He was designed for Adam and I.  So everyday I will remind myself, even in the midst of screaming, that Elias needs me and I need him!

The next Mozart

3rd time at daycare...

...and he pooped out the front and back of his diaper. At least he's pooping though...

New Blogger

I'm finally giving in and making a blog after a good friend twisted my arm (you know who you are).  I'm not big on posting my life for the public, but now that we have started a family I figured it's a fun way to document how our lives are changing.  It also gives us a place to share our sweet bundle of joy with our family and friends.  I apologize ahead of time for spelling and grammar errors.  If you're going to read anything I write you will have to suffer through my "creative" writing.  This is one of my favorite pictures of Elias so far.  It was one of those days when he had peed through an outfit and as I was changing him he spit up on the clean outfit and by the time I was on the third or fourth outfit we decided to have 'naked Friday'.  He loved it.  I of course was not naked but I had gone through at least two shirts.